Inter Caste Marriage for Santal?

How to convince Santal gals to avoid intercaste marriage?

I had sent this as a mail to more than dozen of santal boys 2 years back. Objective was that we should react to bring the change for the problem of intercaste marriage. Got few responses from others too which are added towards the end. Although it was sent to boys only, atleast now the text are updated to suit all (removed sensored part).



Dear Friends,
Thinking of writing since last few days to you guys, the santal bachelors, to whom I think you can bring the change that I am looking for. I hope you guys also think in the same line.

I have a hobby of analysing facts and figures related to our santal community. I do interact with many santal people of different ages and most of the time, try to listen more from them to derive better conclusion. Due course of time, I gathered some info and thought of sharing with you guys. The objective is that can we combinely change this trend: A trend of loosing our santal gals from our community. Let's work together. I have included you because you can make impact to someone, who is close to u, friend to u, classmate of yours or sister of yours. Start applying at them and keep them for you or for your another santal friend, but definitely not outside.

Here the issue is that lot many highly educated santal gals are going out of santal community very soon. From my statistics based on around 15 gals, with whom I have interacted in last few years in a way that we have talked few times and for some more bit closer. Some of them are my friend's friends, friends' gal friends, friends' sisters, my sisters (they made me brother. Many advised me to come out of Universal brotherhood :) ) and above all I treat/treated all as friends. Hmm, all these gals are engineers or medicos and have come from very well established families. Around 80% of these gals have non-santal boy-friends and some of them have reached to irreversible step. Some of them are in the mid way accepting that they have non-santal bfs and some are yet to admit in public, but other gals say about them that they have. I think this is a very much disturbing trend and followers are many more yet to come to that stage. I asked to a gal and she said that every second santal gal friend of her, has a non-santal bf. Really I feel very painful to this statistics. In fact some of you have only shared with me about all these info. Even although I know that someone has non-santal bf, I started enquiring to her why she went for non-santal bf. Based on these inputs, I have expressed my suggestion for you guys.


My intention is to let's make an environment where we can save the rest. Let's try to revert back some of them, who are mid way. Let's continue this effort for our younger brothers for coming days. I used to advise santal guys that when you pass out from your institute, have a good degree and have a santal gal with you. Sometimes some guys treat other guy as competitor. How ever I feel that we are not competitor to each other, there is someone else wining the race. For that only, I m prompted to write this mail to you guys.

What we need to do?

Company: Although I have very less experience in handling the situation practically, but I can still analyse the situation and devise a solution. I think gals don't need a bf straight forward. They need a company, a friend to share their sorrow ( may not be the happiness) and a friend to care for their every need. They take it in a way as applicable, as a friend, a bf or a brother. Who lands at where, again depends upon time and situation, which should suit to their needs. I wish you should fit somewhere in these vacncies. There is nothing wrong helping another santal(this case it is a gal). Nothing wrong to be someone's brother if you are clear in ur intension. First of all, if you want her to be something that you wanted to, or you want to influence your rule upon her, you have to be one of these. Otherwise you are left out only for criticising her. As a friend, mould her not by imposing orders, but by convincing her what you wanted to do. Believe me, once you own the trust, you did ur half job done. Hmmm, don't think that if they can't respond properly then why should you respond when she needs. I think if someone didn't understand, give her time to understand, time will come that will make her understood. It's you, who should keep patience. If you are already loving someone and also she is also doing the same to you, make sure there is no one of ur level to her. Don't expect a statement from her that I love you and will marry you and at the same time I love him also. Believe me if she can tell that to you, then she is not loving you the most. She is loving the other guy. She has kept u for social security bond. Gaining someone's luv is not much difficult, maintaining that for ever is more difficult. Guys, do it for ever.


Status: Every gal wants her bf to be the best not only in front of her but also to others. So in this competitive world, you need to be better than ur competitors. Most of the time, ur competitor is ur friend, classmate who is of ur level. One clever way of avoiding conflicting situation in future is to tell ur competitors that you love her. Sometimes it creates a mental roadblock to others bcoz none wants to compete with their friend straight forward. But keep in mind that if the situation goes beyond certain friendship, it may not reverse back as you want. At the same time, you need to be better in study, work, inter-personal relation with others, responsible and have sense of humor. Yes, most of the gals need your status, the status in terms of ur work and income, in terms of how your friends see you, in terms of how other judge you when you talk, in terms of others impression in overall. You need to be better than ur competitor.

Impression: I m trying to tell which is feasible and not the absolute ideal advice. We santal guys are not the best in the market. We lack in many things, but we are good at least in one thing. Can you build interest in her on the same thing also. Once she is interested on that thing and found you to be better, she will definitely start liking you. On the other hand, if she is good at something, try to learn the same from her and within few days prove urself that you are better than her. It will make luv at her for you bcoz she made u to this level. But at the same time if there is another person, ur friend, is better than you, then there lies a chance that you will loose. Another way of creating impression is raising yourself above average. There are many like you when you are an average. To be recognised you need to be the best. It's very hard to be best in all aspect. However it's moderately easy to be best in somewhere where there is less competition or you do better than others. Try hard to really excel in that field. Show all that you are the best in that. You will have your day when you will find soemone is gazing at you that you wanted earlier.


Educate about Santals: Yes, educate them that what is good and what's bad. Believe me most of gals who go for inter-caste marriage, think that they have no better option inside our santal society. They have impression about santals that they are tribe, the very depressed and oppressed community. They regret the most for their birth in such society. Here is ur role to teach what's good at here and what is unique among us. Fill a good sense of consensus about ourselves, our people, our community. Share a responsibility of doing something good for our community saying that you are much needed for this society and you can do better. Find a work for her, where she can contribute. One will like the society/community that gives her something, but will love it if she does something for it. Make her loving. At least for her loving society, where she stays, she will decide to marry a santal. On the other hand, if she has a hatred feeling towards this community, what ever wonder you do to her, she is not going to be impressed by you.

Last point: You can only luv to one and marry her, but you have to keep all others happy. There is absolutely no problem if you are made brother/normal friend for the rest. So guys, choose a relation which suits to u, but make a relation with every santal gal that you can do. Yes, repeating again: we are not competitor to each other, there is someone else is wining the race.


Stand at their need, stand for them, one day she will stand next to you.
It became a long mail, but for me a burning issue, not for olders, but for you and me. If you want to get the result, work for urself. No parents will do better for their son-in-laws.
Expecting some experience from you to be shared among us. But while discussing, don't reveal the name of any gal. It may make negative impact on her. Let's try to change them without damaging their image.

Cheers
Raj
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------------Durga Hembram (Wipro, Chennai)
... ...We can solve this problem a bit by yet another mean which so popular in rest of the caste and religions. Like Shadi.com and rest. These are very popular but no body uploaded anything from our caste and religion. That's fine. It has its own advantages and disadvantages. We'll talk may be in detail. Now if you see the major problem in Santhal is people are really distributed all over the country and few in outside the country too. So we don't have the influences on some or many places which are not santhal rich region. And those are the places where our santhali gals are prone to be attracted towards other. There we have very less means to know others (from our community). ...


------------- Sunaram Soren (Ex-DRDO empl)
actually that is not the real case most of our santal gals r being exploited by this mischiveous non-tribe guys.in the most of the cases you find they r being used as just time-pass item ...... . and that is due to lack of communication among the community.just recall the college day how we lacked the perfect skill of communication bcoz we were not aware of the forthcoming probs.most of our community guys never xpresseed being a tribal & never stayed tuned to their tribal way.so lots of problem not only from we boys but also from parent sides i.e whole system is failure so we have to work hard ... .
let me say onething that all guys in colleges must be compelled to communicate with gals may be in any college. & after all its a changing time so we have to keep track with the mellieu.


---------------Sunaram Murmu (TCS, HSBC, Pune)
There are suggestions that make good sense. However, I am not so sure, how to go about resolving this problem.

It is partly a problem with personal choice and accepting the consequences of one's own action. If somebody is involved in such inter racial/cast relationship, (S)he apparently is aware of what the consequences would be. As all of us are aware, the family, relatives of such individuals will suffer the worst and the individual must be aware of that. It is not a problem just for Santals but for any community.

Let's see one more aspect of it. The intercast relationship that we are talking about here is not of brotherhood/sisterhood; but of love as in boys and girls fall in love with each other. To my understanding, there are 'beautiful' girls and 'more beautiful' girls in our community. What I understand is that, the problem is with the 'more beautiful' category of girls and there lies our concern. The first categoy of the girls usually are well within the boundary of community either because they are not so charming that some body from other community would be in relationship with them or sometime are never charmed even by their fellow community boys. It is again a personal choice that one doesn't want to be in relationship with someone who is not so charming. On the similar line, a 'more beautiful girl' does certainly look for a more charming boy available around her and may be a Santal boy is not a better choice. It also is possible that She falls in love with a charming Santal boy. The fine line that I am missing here is the responsibility on our so called 'more beautiful' girls to respect the wishes of their family, friends, relatives. Wishes here include going against her parents and falling in love even with a Santal boy whom her parents don't approve of. It is the upbringing of such girl by her parents, relatives and her decision not to respect their wishes (may be) because of the lack of confidence/belief in them, that plays a big role. Well, again we have examples of even Santal (charming)boys going for inter cast relationships. So, I am not so sure, as a Santal boy, I can be in relationship with a Santal girl, considering my preferrences and above said situations.

Another aspect is that it is not enough for a Santal boy to be in relationship with a Santal girl as long as he doesn't marry her for some reason. Same applies for a Santal girl. As we all know that, one expects that the person (S)he is marrying should never had relationship with another person other than (her)him (or should we ?).

Apart from that, one shouldn't feel obliged to flirt with somebody if (S)he is not so sure about what is next in the relationship. I can't just be in a relationship with a Santal girl for years and then won't marry her because I don't want to. It ends up with another bizzarre situation.
All I believe is that, the problem with so called 'more beautiful' girls going for inter cast relationship might not be stopped by Santal boys; but Santal parents, family,relatives. It is fairly illogical to hold Santal boys(prospective boy friends) responsible for this issue. As a brother, I am certainly responsible for my sister or my brother falling into inter cast relationship.
We need to analyze more about this problem. It is a good start on Raj's part.
Thanks guys for spending time to read this mail.

Apologize for any typo or spelling error. Appreciate your patience !


--------Jhadeswar Murmu (PostDoc Canada)
As far as my personal opinion is concerned, I will simplify and make it brief so that it will be not boring for all of u. I realised it is a burning issue.

I am sure all of u great guys and there is fair chance to get good gals. One thing is fair that we all have to be smart and stylish enough to maintain minimum status.

As far as my knowledge only few gals are educated in our community compared to guys. I donot know the exact ratio but it may be 20:80. so there is always market demand for gals. Since years I am away of community, not much in contact with guys as well as gals. Hardly I know finger counts of santal gals, they recently got married with santal guys only, infact they were in love.

I have not much idea about the statistic of nonsantal guy versus santal gals, in relation or in love. But these situation arrises when gals are not aware of the consequences or no trust on their community.

Again these situation are seen in educated santal family, probably they think they are no more santal, so they donot prevent what their son or doughter is doing in terms of relation or love.
Sometimes it so happens that due to nonavilability of santal guys, gals get nonsantal guys and they start their relation.

Some other category of gals are there, probably they donot like their community, they feel santals are uneducated, uncivilized, so they always mingles with nonsantals.

To be honest, this situation can be avoided with good communication between santal guys and gals. I am sure many of u are in touch with your friends or juniors from educationals Institute. There should be atleast one or more get together among santal students annually in educational institute, so that people will know each other and they should help each other in whatever situation . In that way gals will not have much chance to be misleaded by guys from other community, it does not mean we should not mix with others. We have to globalised in terms of education or profession and sameway we have to maintain the bond of our community. In many occassion I have found that guys and gals donot mix nicely or communicate thus the gap arrises.
All guys should be aware that relation should start from friendship, first make friendship, if things work ok..then u can proceed futher but donot break friendship with gal.

As far as matrimony site is concerned, I donot think it will help much. Only few people access internet and it will not solve the problem. But awareness among guys and gals should start from very begining. There should be good communication link.

There are few more responses, but didn't mention since their opinions are almost similar as described above.

Source: http://santal-inter-caste-marriage.blogspot.com/
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